Well, the second half of my week did not go as anticipated. On Thursday I suddenly realized that this Sunday was August 1st. I mean, I’d known July was almost gone, and I’d known for a long time that all the units for my two online Astronomy classes were due August 1st, but I didn’t really get the connection with THIS SUNDAY. Until yesterday. I had six units for one class and five for the other to complete. I’ve knocked it down to three and a half total left as of right now, but it hasn’t been fun. So, instead of researching all the fun things I wanted to write about yesterday, I’ve been staring blankly at my computer screen, trying to match the orbit of a baseball with either Orbit 2: Semi-major axis 3189km, highly eccentric, or Orbit 4. Semi-major axis 22,000 miles (35,000 km), eccentricity 0. And I don’t even know what a “Semi-major axis” is.
The last two days have been discouraging for me; I feel like I’m not doing well in my classes, so I think I’m a bad student. I feel like I’m not doing well at fixing meals, or unpacking the guest room, or cleaning the apartment, so I think I’m a failure at housekeeping. I’m SO grouchy and touchy every morning when I fix Brian’s lunch, and I’m always frustrated by my lack of productivity by the time he comes home, that I must not be doing a job as a wife either. Plus, I’m worried about the state of our finances, because I don’t know exactly how we’re doing with our budget, and I feel like since Brian isn’t worried, he must not care, and since he isn’t interested in making plans for my birthday, he must not care about that either, which means the he must not care about me, right?
God reminded me of the sermon I heard last Sunday morning. Pastor Joel explained “Thoughts lead to Actions which lead to Feelings which leads to more Thoughts.” So wrong thinking leads to wrong doing, which leads to wrong feeling, and more wrong thinking, and so on. This is the cycle anyone who has suffered from anxiety or depression will recognize. It’s how fears, worry, and despair get started and soon become so ingrained that they are second nature.
That’s what I’ve been doing the last two days, wrong thinking about myself and about Brian, leading to wrong doing and wrong feeling and more wrong thinking. I need to renew my mind, start thinking true thoughts, and then doing what is right, and wait for the right feelings to follow. I need to realize that I made a mistake with my class, but I need to do all I can to rectify it and get it finished. I need to recognize that the housekeeping can go by the wayside for this week, until I get these classes finished, and that I don’t have to do it all. I need to remember that Brian is not the enemy, and it’s not fair to take out my frustration or exhaustion on him. And I need to get enough sleep. I need realize that Brian’s lack of concern over our finances probably means that my worry is unnecessary, and I can trust him to take care of me. I need to remember that Brian loves me deeply, and he does care about me, and my birthday, and I just need a little patience.
I’ve been listening to the Christian radio a lot lately, and there’s a Dr. with a talk show who always talks about “The Power of One Thing,” or focusing on one thing at a time, growing in one area, fighting one temptation, parenting one situation, completing one essay, doing one good deed, at a time. I read this blog post by Simple Mom, and it totally reinforced the idea of doing one thing, even if it’s for only 15 minutes. Often we are perfectionists and think that if we can’t do it ALL just right, right now, then why even start? That kind of wrong thinking keeps us from right doing, and we don’t do anything. Go read the article, it’s worth the two minutes, and I know it will be a blessing to you as it was for me.
When you find yourself feeling discouraged or dissatisfied, what are your thinking patterns like? Are your thoughts true? Are they noble? Right? Pure? Lovely? Admirable? Praiseworthy? Excellent? If you are at all like me, you know your thoughts are often quite different. How does the way you think affect the way you feel, or vise versa? What do you do to change that unhealthy cycle?
Philippians 4:8 (New International Version)
Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.
Let’s remember these criteria for our thoughts this weekend! See you next week!